8 Years.

It has been 8 years now without hearing her voice, seeing her face, feeling her hug. 8 long years and to be honest, I really cannot stand it. It still hurts. It still seems just as unfair as it did when I realized it was really over. No more treatments to try. No more hope to be had. All we had left was time, and it was valuable and short. I had been denying the inevitable for a long time, No, she'll get better! Aunt Valerie got better, she will get better too! Then I saw her and I knew. I finally accepted what everyone had been trying to tell me, and I collapsed on the stairs. The first heart wrenching tears out of thousands. It was horrible. She passed shortly after that, with everyone by her side. That didn't make it any easier though, or for me, any more comforting. I still look back and wonder why. Its not fair. She was too young. Her kids were too young. Its not fair. So many down right horrible people on this planet, and she was the one that had to die. Not fair. She fills my heart and mind the entire month of February. With every single thing I do, it evokes the memory of her. Whether its ordering dinner in a drive through because I'm too tired to cook...."Coke!!! Go?? What? GO!!!"...or watching tv and seeing commercials for American Idol. Or if its just looking at the calendar, knowing...she was still alive today..8 years ago. Yesterday I was sitting with the baby, mentally preparing myself for the day ahead of me today. I know that today, just like every year on February 22nd, my head and my heart will retrace every single moment of the day. Every word that was spoken, every tear I cried, every face I saw. It will replay in my mind just like it was happening right now. Her memory is so strong, and it wants to live on, just as much as she did, that it practically fights you for every breath you breathe. Not a single moment of the day will go by without thinking of her. I wish I was home, I want to go see her. While Uncle Bobby's death may still not feel real to me, and going to visit him still seems unbelievable, going to visits her makes me feel close. I was there for it all and knowing she is there brings me some comfort. Although I cannot go there today, I can't see her, I know that she is here. I know she is with me and with Maeve. She is her guardian angel and I'm certain of it. Since before Maeve was born she has been there. I found out I was pregnant on her birthday. She came to me when I needed reassurance the most, she told me that Maeve's heart would be fine. Amanda's heart was fine and Maeve's heart would be just fine too. In military time, Maeve was born at 2224. (2.22.04). There are far too many coincidences for me to think anything other than that she is here with Maeve. She watches over her, and I can see her when I look at Maeve. In some lights, with some facial expressions, I see her and I know she's here. I doubt this day will every get any easier, and it rightfully shouldn't. I will never stop loving her, or missing her. 

I love you Aunt Susie. Rest in Peace <3